06/08/17

Work was a standard difficult day for my mind to handle with mild paranoia that I was projecting knee jerk negative or juvenile reactions to the days events. I was able to eat alright but did not shower the night before and my pants were dirty. I would like to get more professional clothes but more important work on being able to be professional and  focused at my job. I then went to the gym after work but by the time I got my smoothie and arrived at the gym I was already mildly paranoid about the gym and what music would be best to listen to and I ended up on Joey BaDa$$ after Protoje on the train and then Survival afterwards. I was anxious about what I thought was projection of knee jerk reactions to my surroundings and my guilt over how I was reacting to knee jerk perceived attractions, to which I tried to understand and be compassionate and understanding to though I believe it began sorting to women in the range of older but not too much older to me. A lot of the recent trauma and perceptions I have experienced on me was running through my mind in a way that was difficult to process that ended up being a bit like anxiety and I had rushed speech. At one point I saw Delmary and was anxious and self conscious about how to react to it and concerned how or if my presence affected her and probably overshot how much it affected her day and in all did not feel attracted to her and was probably more embarrassed that the last time I saw her that I was paranoid about brownies and I might have looked a bit odd or awkward. I then came home and cooked some dinner and lunch an am going to shower and go to bed possibly working on J and what else.