Daily Journal

I again woke up with my alarm and chose to lie down and for greed and snoozed and turned off alarms until I woke up late just naturally. I was not able to meditate in the morning which would definitely help. I am still having feelings of over connectedness and paranoia but am trying to develop rhythms and processes to fix them. Just when I was thinking and receiving thoughts that Devin thought badly of me he called and we had a personal and developed conversation a lot about Juan, who I will be paying $300 this weekend and the next $100 next week hopefully, and his situation now which is tense with Devin and possibly others which I am hoping the best and spoke for as I have had many difficult episodes myself. I followed my diet via the macros on the app and my mental frame seems to be improving though I am still very scarily experiencing short and long term aspects of it I am hoping to improve over time and am engaging positively with people as best I can. I will be doing my best not t...

I woke up early enough to meditate and peacefully get to work but I purposefully slept in with no benefit. I am still trying to balance out my emotions, how I react to situations and would like to forgive myself for what I have done wrong and do my best to be kind and compassionate and act positively and without harm, I guess more so than before I should be kind to myself as well as those around me. Sometimes small actions and reactions get me agitated at people at work but I do my best to ease up on them and turn my feelings positively towards them as I have tried different levels of successfully with others, always trying to identify good qualities I like on the person and focus on those while trying to let go of the negative ones. I didn't really get to read the Tibetan Book of the Living and Dying outside of the way down, I think I will try to take non spiritual books to read on my way to work and read the spiritual ones at home. I recorded my food journal, got near mostly the ...

Work was a standard difficult day for my mind to handle with mild paranoia that I was projecting knee jerk negative or juvenile reactions to the days events. I was able to eat alright but did not shower the night before and my pants were dirty. I would like to get more professional clothes but more important work on being able to be professional and  focused at my job. I then went to the gym after work but by the time I got my smoothie and arrived at the gym I was already mildly paranoid about the gym and what music would be best to listen to and I ended up on Joey BaDa$$ after Protoje on the train and then Survival afterwards. I was anxious about what I thought was projection of knee jerk reactions to my surroundings and my guilt over how I was reacting to knee jerk perceived attractions, to which I tried to understand and be compassionate and understanding to though I believe it began sorting to women in the range of older but not too much older to me. A lot of the recent trauma ...